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Non-HP related Fanfics >> The Great Oddish Series by Oddish

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At the request of several GP members who are demented enough to actually think that my comedies are funny (you know who you are), I have decided to import this series from my private site, which will cease to exist in a short time anyway. You do not have to like Pokemon to enjoy it, but a basic understanding of the early anime and its characters (Ash, Misty, Brock, Tracey, Team Rocket) is needed. If you have read the original series, you may note some minor changes. It's my story, I can do what I want with it.

PART 1 - The Great Oddish Mystery

THE ROAD TO PALLET TOWN. AFTERNOON.

Narrator: "After many amazing adventures and discoveries, our young heroes are on the road to Pallet Town, eager to spend some time relaxing at Ash's house before continuing their journey."

(Ash, Misty, and Brock are walking down the road. Pikachu is in his customary place on top of Ash's head)

BROCK: "I'm really looking forward to seeing your mom again, Ash."

ASH: "Why's that, Brock?"

BROCK: "Well...uhh... her cooking, for one thing."

ASH: "But Brock, you're a much better cook than she is."

MISTY: "Oh, Brock just hopes she'll kiss him on the cheek, like she did last time. It's the only time a girl has... OUCH!!"

(Brock has just popped Misty, right on the head)

ASH: "Brock, my mom is twice your age!"

MISTY (shaking her head to clear it): "So are Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy, but that doesn't stop him from drooling every time he sees them."

BROCK (indignantly): "Joy and Jenny are not twice my age. They are only half again my age."

MISTY: "Still, don't you think it's just a bit inappropriate for you to be lusting after them?"

BROCK: "About as inappropriate as it is for the two of us to follow a brain-dead eleven-year-old around instead of getting on with our own lives."

MISTY: "You have a point there."

BROCK: "Besides, we would have beautiful children. After all, good looks seem to run in their family."

MISTY: "Family my fanny, Brock. You know that all of the Joys and Jennies are clones. How else could they all look alike and be the same age and..."

(Brock is raising his fist to hit Misty again, but before he can, Pikachu blows chunks, right on Ash's head. Pika-vomit cascades down over his face and soaks his clothes)

ASH: "AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH! Drat you, Pikachu!!"

(He drops Pikachu on the ground and kicks him very hard. Pikachu retaliates in the usual way: with 10,000 volts. Ash falls to the ground, singed and spiral-eyed)

MISTY: "Ughhh! How disgusting! What a mess!"

BROCK: "Ash, what has Pikachu been eating?"

ASH: "Well, you know the leftoivers from that Mexican place we visited?"

BROCK: "You fed refried beans to a Pokemon?!"

ASH: "All my Pokemon. Why?"

(Ash's Poke balls explode open in rapid sequence, producing more disgusting splatters of Poke-puke. Squirtle, Charizard, Pidgeotto, and Bulbasaur all appear. They're all wearing their previous meals. They give Ash dirty looks)

ASH: "Ooops. Sorry, guys."

(Brock is about to smack Ash, then realizes what's on his head and reconsiders)

BROCK: "You never feed Mexican food to a Pokemon, Ash. Didn't they cover this in your Pokemon trainer's class?"

ASH (Mystified): "There was a class?"

MISTY: "That explains a lot, I guess."

ASH: "Don't worry, I know how to handle this. Muk, I choose you!"

BROCK AND MISTY (holding their noses): "Oh, no!!"

(Muk emerges from the Poke ball. It licks all the Pokemon clean, making yum-yum sounds. Ash throws his hat, shirt, and pants to it. It eats them)

MISTY: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

ASH (unconcernedly): "What?"

MISTY: "You aren't wearing underwear!!"

ASH: "It's not my fault. My mom said I had to change it every single day. I ran out after a week."

BROCK: "You were supposed to wash it and wear it again."

ASH: "Well, how was I supposed to know that? I mean, at home, I gave my mom dirty underwear, she gave me clean underwear. She never told me what she was doing with it."

BROCK: "You really are hopeless, you know that?"

ASH (persists): "When I was wearing diapers, my mom always threw those away when I was done with them."

BROCK: "You remember that far back?"

ASH: "Of course I do. I still remember the day I got my first pair of underwear. It was for my ninth birthday. My mom was so proud of me."

MISTY: "I can imagine."

(Ash is still not wearing any clothes. This fact alerts a passing Officer Jenny, who screeches her bike to a halt)

JENNY: "Hey, you! Get some clothes on, right now! What's wrong with you, this is a public road!"

ASH: "Sorry, Officer." (He meekly pulls a new outfit out of his backpack. It is identical to his old one)

JENNY: "I'd run you in for indecent exposure, but I'm too busy dealing with the Oddish problem."

MISTY: "Oddish problem?"

JENNY: "Turn on your radio, stupid! It's on all the stations." (Seeing that Ash has covered himself, she hops on her bike and rides away at top speed)

BROCK: "I have a radio. Maybe that will explain what this is all about."

ASH: "Misty, can you tie my shoe for me?"

(Misty answers with her fist, knocking Ash over. He lands on Pikachu, and the electric mouse shocks him again. Brock turns on the radio)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: "There is no explanation for any of this, but it appears to be a worldwide phenomenon. Again, every captured Oddish in the world seems to have mysteriously vanished. Trainers are reporting that the plant Pokemon in question simply were njot in their Poke balls when the trainers tried to use them in battle. If you have an Oddish in your possession, you are advised to check for it, early and often."

(Jessie and James enter, squabbling bitterly)

JAMES: "I swear, I didn't lose it! I was keeping my eye on it the whole time, just like you told me to."

JESSIE: "So why is it gone, you imbecile? That Oddish was so high-level it wasn't funny. We were supposed to give it to the Boss. Now what are we going to give him?"

MISTY: "Oh, did you guys lose an Oddish, too?"

JESSIE: "Yes, thanks to this numbskull." (She clobbers James, sending him sprawling)

JAMES (spiral-eyed): "But I never stopped watching it!"

MISTY: "It's true. Oddishes all over the world have vanished from their Poke balls. No one knows why or how."

JESSIE (tenderly): "Oh, I'm sorry, Jamesie. How can I make it up to you?"

JAMES (hopeful): "Kiss it and make it better?"

JESSIE: "Forget it."

ASH (helpfully): "I'll kiss it and make it better."

JAMES: "No thanks."

MISTY: "By the way, where's Meowth?"

JESSIE: "He's at the Pokemon center. This idiot fed him some leftover bean burritos last night. It upset his stomach."

JAMES: "But he was hungry!"

JESSIE: "Only you could actually be stupid enough to feed refried beans to a Pokemon."

(Suddenly, an Oddish comes skipping down the road)

ODDISH (singing to the tune of My Darling Clementine): "Oddish oddish oddish oddish oddish o-o-oddish oddish odd..."

ASH: "Look! An Oddish!" (grins) "IT'S MINE!!"

MISTY: "Ash, are you sure that's a good idea?"

(Ash's Pokemon are still standing around, unwilling to return to their balls until they are cleaned out)

ASH: "Fire Pokemon are strong against grass types. Charizard, go!"

(Charizard is grabbing a nap in the sun. It raises a claw and makes an obscene gesture at Ash, then goes back to sleep)

ASH: "All right. Bulbasaur, I choose you! Use your Vine Whip!"

(Bulbasaur attacks. The Oddish uses Solar Beam. Bulbasaur drops)

ASH: "OK, Pidgeotto, I choose you! It can't use Solar Beam until it recharges! Go get it!"

(The Oddish uses Solar Beam again. Pidgeotto drops, badly scorched. Charizard was singed by the beam. It roars with anger and starts toward Oddish, fire in its eyes)

ASH (gleefully): "All right! Charizard's going to battle! Charizard, show it your Flamethrower!"

(It doesn't get the chance. Another Solar Beam, and Charizard is down for the count)

BROCK: "There's something strange about this Oddish."

ASH: "All right. Pikachu! I'm counting on you! Go nail that Oddish!"

(Pikachu is cowering behind Ash's legs, quivering. Ash tries to drag him out, with predictable results. Gary Oak and his entourage arrive just in time to see Ash collapse, still smoking)

GARY: "Well, this LOSER is certainly taking a beating today."

JESSIE: "Who let him into the story?"

JAMES: "Jessie, maybe we should get that Oddish for ourselves. It's even more powerful than the one we were going to give to the Boss."

JESSIE: "You're right! Arbok, Lickitung, go!"

JAMES: "Weepinbell, Weezing, attack!"

(The Oddish spews Sleep Powder over Team Rocket and their Pokemon)

TEAM ROCKET: "Looks like Team Rocket's nodding off again!" (they collapse in a snoring heap)

ASH: "WOW! What a powerful attack!"

MISTY: "Was that Stun Spore or Mega Drain?"

THE ODDISH: "It was Sleep Powder, you idiot."

MISTY: "You don't have to call me an idi... wait a minute, who said that?"

ASH: "I didn't."

BROCK: "Me either."

ODDISH: "It was me, stupid."

ASH: "Did that Oddish just talk?"

ODDISH: "Of course I talked, you twit. I wrote this story; I can say whatever I want."

GARY: "You can't be the author! You're just a dumb Oddish. And since my Oddish disappeared, I'm going to catch a new one, right now!"

(He pulls out his Poke balls. The Oddish responds with a super Solar Beam. Gary is incinerated on the spot. All that remains of him are two scorched tennis shoes, a scattering of ashes, and his Poke balls)

ODDISH: "I never liked that little schmuck."

ASH: "You really are the author!"

ODDISH: "DUHHH!! I wrote this story. I can certainly appear in it if I want."

ASH: "So why aren't you... you know, human?"

ODDISH: "I have absolute power here. I can manifest myself as anything I choose."

ASH: "But if you're going to be a Pokemon, why not a powerful one? Like Mew or Lugia or Moltres?"

ODDISH: "Because Oddish is my favorite Pokemon."

MISTY: "Are you the reason why Oddishes are vanishing from their Poke balls all over the world?"

ODDISH: "Hello, isn't it obvious?!! Never again will Oddishes be enslaved by trainers and forced to battle if I have anything to say about it. Oddishes will run free and dance under the sun, now and for all time! Never again will they have to fear being pounced on by some obstreperous little brat like yourselves."

BROCK (looking closer at the Oddish): "What are those things you're wearing?"

(The Oddish displays what looks like a collection of black and yellow Poke balls)

ODDISH: "These are special Poke balls that allow Oddish Pokemon to capture humans. Maybe we'll grab a few of you, teach you to beat each other up, poison each other, shock each other, freeze or burn each other, see how you like it."

MISTY: "That doesn't sound like much fun."

ASH (determinedly): "You're not going to capture us."

ODDISH (yawns): "No, I'm not. I need you for the rest of the story. But watch your back. I'm just getting started."

(It goes off down the road, still singing in Oddishese)

ASH (watching it go): "That was weird."

MISTY: "For once, we agree on something."

(Ash, Misty, and Brock walk off down the road. Jessie wakes up, manages to crawl over to the spot where Gary expired and scoop up his Poke balls. Then she falls asleep again)


LATER THAT NIGHT, BACK AT THE KETCHUM HOUSE

(Ash, Misty, Brock, and Ash's mom are eating a huge pot of greenish soup, and obviously enjoying it)

ASH: "Boy, mom. This soup is great. What kind is it?"

MRS. KETCHUM: "Oh, honey, I'm so glad you liked it. It's turtle soup."

ASH: "Turtle soup? Where'd the turtle come from?"

MRS. K: "Why, Ash, you should know. You brought it home."

BROCK (Knows what's coming): "Uh-oh."

ASH: "Brought it home? I didn't bring home any turtles."

MRS. K: "Yes, you did! It was in one of those little red and white balls you brought home, remember?"

ASH: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!"

MISTY: "I think I'm going to be sick."

ASH: "My Squirtle! We just ate my Squirtle!"

MRS. K (unconcernedly): "Oh, is that what it was?"

ASH (starts crying): "Ohhh, my Squirtle. My poor little Squirtle!"

BROCK: "At least it tasted good."

(Ash throws himself on the floor. Tears spray from his eyes in two directions, like water from a fountain)

MRS. K: "Ash Ketchum, we have company. You stop carrying on right now or I'll spank you right in front of these two."

MISTY: "I'd like to see that."

MRS. K: "Your father would be ashamed if he saw you right now."

BROCK: "Where is Ash's dad, anyway?"

MRS. K: "Oh, he doesn't live here anymore. He ran off with another woman. A much younger one, actually, some teenage tramp named Daisy."

BROCK: "Hmmm. One of Misty's sisters is named Daisy, I think."

MRS. K: "Oh, no, Brock. It couldn't be the same person. This Daisy is one of the Cerulean City gym leaders."

MISTY (Turns deathly white): "Oh, no!"

ASH (Stops crying about his Squirtle): "I guess if they get married, you'll be my Aunt Misty!"

MISTY (Obviously weighing the risks of socking Ash in front of his mother): "Shut up, Ash!"

MRS. K: "The good news is, I've met someone else. Really nice guy, too. He should be here any time now."

(Sure enough, the door flies open and nine kids, ranging in age from Ash's age to barely toddling, come pouring in. They are followed by Flint, Brock's father)

BROCK: "DAD!! What are all of you doing here?!"

MRS. K: "Your father and I are going to get married, dear. That way, all you kids will have a mother again."

BROCK AND THE OTHER KIDS: "YAAAY!!"

ASH (to Brock): "I guess that will make you and me brothers!"

MISTY: "Then we'll all be related!"

BROCK: "Dad, this is great, but what about Pewter City's Officer Jenny? Last I heard, you were going out with her."

FLINT: "Oh, we broke up long ago. She said I was too old for her."

MRS. K: "It's so good that all of you are here. You can help us out with all of these little ones. Especially changing the diapers."

ASH: "NO!! I don't want to care for a bunch of kids! And I'm tired of caring for my Pokemon! I don't want any responsibility at all! I just want to sit around and take and take and take and not have to give one little thing in return! I just want to have people take care of me and not have to do anything for anyone!"

(Suddenly, the Oddish pops out of the kitchen sink)

ODDISH: "Easily arranged." (he jiggles his leaves at Ash, who is surrounded by a dazzling white light, and starts to shrink)

MISTY: "Look! Ash is evolving!"

BROCK: "No! He's DE-evolving!"

(Ash keeps shrinking. His clothes transform into a pair of fuzzy blue blanket sleepers. He finally stops when he's about the size of the youngest toddler present, who is sitting on the floor with Pikachu in her lap. Ash crawls over and tries to take Pikachu away from her. A brief tug-of-war breaks out. Pikachu, not liking this, shocks both babies, and they start crying. The two adults go over, pick them up, and soothe them. In all the hubbub, no one really notices when or how Oddish disappeared)

MRS. K (gushing): "Oooo, my little boy. I'd forgotten how cute he was at that age."

(Ash falls asleep in her arms, sucking his thumb. The little girl falls asleep in Flint's. The two adults leave to put them to bed. The other children follow, leaving only Brock and Misty. As they leave, Officer Jenny enters)

JENNY: "I thought I saw that little streaker you were with earlier today, heading toward this house. Is he here?"

BROCK: "Well... he was."

MISTY: "You just missed him, officer."

JENNY (looks carefully at Brock): Say, you look familiar. Are you any relation to a guy named Flint?"

BROCK: "He's my dad. Why?"

JENNY: "Hmmm. You definitely have his good looks." (she bats her eyes at him) "Do you have plans for tonight?"

BROCK: "I do now."

JENNY: "Oooo, good answer." (she kisses Brock on the lips. The two of them leave together)

MISTY (shakes her head): "Geez. What an idiotic episode. I'm glad it's finally over... it is over, right?"

NARRATOR: "Not quite, Misty."

MISTY (eyes blazing): "WHAT?!!"

NARRATOR: "First, we need to see what Oddish is up to."


LATE AT NIGHT - HOT SPRINGS RESORT, CINNABAR ISLAND

(Oddish is trundling along next to the hot springs. In his leaves, he holds three of the yellow and black balls; he throws them, and in a flash of light, three gorgeous women in bikinis appear. They all begin stroking Oddish's leaves)

ODDISH (huge grin on his face): Oddish! Oddish!

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