HARRY POTTER AND THE NAKED POTIONS CLASS By Oddish - Scenes 1-3 SCENE 1: OUTSIDE SNAPE’S CLASSROOM Enter Dennis Creevey, third-year Gryffindor. He is carrying a sheaf of notes. He stops at the door to the potions room. DENNIS: “Let’s see. . . uhhh. . . Author?” A tall, slightly overweight man with long brown hair, glasses, and a beard with a few strands of gray in it materializes in a burst of purple and green sparks. AUTHOR: “You can call me Oddish. What’s up?” DENNIS: “Do I have to be the Narrator? No offense, but your handwriting is really bad.” ODDISH: “It’s not my fault. They won’t let me have a ballpoint pen here. I have to use a feather and a pot of ink.” DENNIS: “Well, anyway. Can I have a different part?” ODDISH: “Sorry, squirt. I had to have a kid who was Year 4 or below, and you’re about the only one everyone knows.” DENNIS: “What about Mark Evans? He’s a first year.” ODDISH: “In detention. He tripped and fell in Charms class.” DENNIS: “So? That’s not worth a detention is it?” ODDISH: “He tripped over the teacher.” DENNIS: “Oh. I did that once.” ODDISH: “Yeah, I think everyone has. He’s so short, it’s easy to do.” DENNIS: “All right, all right. I’ll start narrating. Let’s see. . . ‘It’s a lovely, crisp December morning at Hogwarts. A fresh snowfall surrounds the castle. The sun is rising, turning the winter sky bright orange, fuschia, and pink, and an indefinable aurora of. . . .” ODDISH: “AURA, not aurora!” DENNIS: “I told you your handwriting was lousy. An indefinable aura of magic floats invisibly in the air. Our heros’ mood is light and cheery, despite the fact that their least favo. . . uh, Oddish, you misspelled ‘favourite’. There’s a U in the word.” ODDISH: “Not on my side of the ocean. Go on.” DENNIS: “Despite the fact that their least favourite class is ahead.” ODDISH: “Well done. Now you might want to get out of the way.” DENNIS: “Get out of the way of wh. . . ?” A troupe of Slytherins, coming up from the dungeons, proceeds to walk over Dennis. Two of them, Crabbe and Goyle, are wearing hobnailed boots for some reason. They enter the potions classroom. Shortly after, the Gryffindors enter. DENNIS: "Uhhh. . . medic." SCENE 2 - INSIDE SNAPE’S CLASSROOM The Gryffindors are coming into the classroom. Snape looks at his watch and shakes his finger. SNAPE: “All the Gryffindors are twenty-four seconds late. So we’ll make it 24 points from Gryffindor. For each of you.” HARRY: “Sir, that’s 696 points. And we only have 7 points left, thanks to all the points you took away yesterday.” SNAPE: “It’s not my fault that the second years in your house were breathing too loudly. All you have to do is earn 689 points, and you’ll be back up to zero and ready to start earning more points. So it’s not the end of the world.” HARRY: “That’s not fair!” SNAPE: “Another 50 points from Gryffindor, Mr. Potter. And a detention for you.” HARRY: “OK. . . that’s it.” (Pulls his wand) “Pili puniceus!” A beam of energy shoots from Harry's wand. Snape’s hair turns fuschia. BRIGHT fuschia. SNAPE: “You disgusting little. . . ten million points from Gryffindor, Potter. And detention for you for a month!” HARRY: “So we only have to get 10,000,739 points to get back up to zero? That’s impossible and you know it. So what’s to stop me from hexing the pants off you?” SNAPE: “The fact that you might wind up expelled?” HARRY: “As Hagrid would say, codswallop. Dumbledore can’t expel me. I’m the hero of the story.” SNAPE: “$#@%#@&@%@!! Little bugger finally figured it out. All right, Mr. Potter. If it’s a duel you want, I’ll be happy to accommodate you. Room of Requirement. Midnight. I’ll tell Filch to let you pass unmolested.” HARRY: “I look forward to it. Ron, want to be my second?” RON: “All right, then.” MALFOY: “Professor, I’d be honored to be yours.” SNAPE: “Very well, Mr. Malfoy.” Fade to Black. ODDISH (voice only): “All right, Narrator. Time to work.” DENNIS (voice only): “How can I read the script? You faded to black. And I can’t even read your chickern scratching in the light.” ODDISH: “You were supposed to memorize it, you little gink.” DENNIS: “Well, I didn’t. What’re you gonne do about it?” (A brilliant flash of light, and a howl of pain) “Augh! What WAS that?” ODDISH: “Its called a Solar Beam, Mr. Creevey. And unless you want another one. . .” DENNIS: “Right. Uhhh. . . Harry and Snape met in the Room of Requirement that night, intent on settling their dispute once and for all.” SCENE 3 - ROOM OF REQUIREMENT - 12:08 AM Harry is waiting in the room, dressed in dueling clothes, Ron with him. Snape enters the room with Malfoy on his heels. HARRY: “You’re late, Professor. 900 points from Slytherin.” SNAPE: “Stupid boy, you’re not a professor. You can’t take points from a house.” HARRY: “Yeah I can. I talked to Dumbledore. He said he was tired of talking to you about excessive point-taking. So he decided to pay you back by letting me do a little point-taking of my own. And by the way, 600 points from Slytherin for excessive use of hair grease. For each of you.” SNAPE: “Fine. 1500 points from Gryffindor for your messy hair.” HARRY: “2000 points from Slytherin for your bad breath.” RON: “Uh, guys? You’re here to duel, not squabble.” HARRY: “Fine. But if I win, you give back all the points you took from Gryffindor.” SNAPE: “But when I win, you give Slytherin all the points you took.” HARRY: “Then when I win. You. . . you have to teach the last potions class before Christmas in the buff. I mean buck naked.” SNAPE: “Very well, but when I win, you and all other Gryffindors have to attend potions class in the same state of dishabille.” HARRY: “Dis-huh-what?” SNAPE: “NAKED, you little pudding brain! Naked!” HARRY: “FINE!” DENNIS (voice): “And so, a binding magical contract was estabished. And then, the duel began.” Harry and Snape stand ten paces apart, wands at the ready. Enter Moaning Myrtle and Peeves. PEEVES: “Oh cool, a duel.” MYRTLE: “Harry, if he kills you, I want you to know that my offer is still good.” HARRY: “I AM NOT SHARING YOUR STINKY TOILET, MYRTLE!!” MALFOY: “Ready? Begin.” HARRY: “OCULUS CRUX!” SNAPE: “RECTOCRANIALIS INVERTIS!” ZAP! The two spells hit each other in midair. They bounce off each other. Harry’s spell hits Peeves, knocking him literally cross-eyed. Myrtle screams as her head and. . . uh, rump spontaneously switch places. PEEVES: “I say we get out of here.” MYRTLE: “I’m with you.” (Exit together) SNAPE: “Try this, Potter. Serpensortia!” HARRY: “Negrofelis!” Snakes go spurting from Snape’s wand and start slithering toward Harry, baring huge fangs. Black cats explode from Harry’s wand and go flying at Snape, and begin clawing the living daylights out of him. HARRY: “Convolutus!” (The snakes are suddenly braided together.) “Beat that!” SNAPE: “Aquafrio!” (Water shoots from his wand, dousing the cats and driving them away) “OK, brat. Take your best shot.” HARRY: “Furnunculus!” SNAPE: “Femur Gelatinus!” Zap! Huge ugly boils appear on Snape’s face, but Harry’s legs turn all wobbly like Jello fruit salad. HARRY: “You greasy git! Mucus Maximus!” SNAPE: “Gastrigaseous!” Zap! Harry starts belching uncontrollably, while Snape’s nose starts gushing snot like a faucet. HARRY: “Urp. . . urp. . . electrificus!” SNAPE (snuffles): “Frigidaria!” A lightning bolt explodes from Harry’s wand and hits Snape. A blizzard of ice and snow pours from Snape’s wand and engulfs Harry in an icy cloud of white. HARRY: “Meteorica!” Flame-wreathed rocks spew from the wand and slam into Snape. SNAPE: “Ow, you little git! Try this one! Gastropomorpheus!” The blast of magic turns Harry into a fat banana slug. RON & MALFOY (together): “Ewwwwwww!” SNAPE: “YES! I WIN! IT’S NAKED POTIONS CLASS FOR ALL OF YOU!” Snape and Malfoy leave the room, dancing and celebrating. Ron stares down at the banana slug. RON: “Professor McGonagall is NOT going to like this.”