(Dumbledore bursts in) Dumbledore: My dear Draco, I'm most terribly sorry. Ginny: Albus! You made it. It's all right, Draco knows all about the emergency rehearsal. Dumbledore: Emergency rehearsal? Ginny: Hmmm... to incorporate Malfoy’s artistic idea. Dumbledore: Yes well I'm sure Voldemort will be only too delighted. Flitwick: Voldy‘s left! Pomfrey: What ever happened to him? Harry: Err. I wouldn’t know!… Flashback Voldemort and Harry are duelling Voldemort: Rictusempra! Harry: Avada Kedavra! Pikachu: Pi-KAAAAAAAAAAA! Pikachu ducks and Harry’s spell knocks it’s tail off and it goes through Voldemort’s head End Flashback Ginny: Albus, the cat's out of the bag. Yes, Draco's already a big fan of our new writer's work. That's why he's so keen to invest. Dumbledore: Invest? Invest! Oh yes, well invest! You can hardly blame me for trying to hide our... Flitwick: Harry... Harry: Barry away. Flitwick and Harry: His/My name is bloody Harry not Barry! Pomfrey: Bloody hell Draco: Is your mother bloody Mary? Dumbledore: Bloody Harry? Hermione: No! Harry! Draco:I'm way ahead of you Dumbledore. Dumbledore: My dear Draco, why don't you and I go my office to peruse the paper work. Draco: What's the story? Dumbledore: The story? Draco: Well if I'm going to invest, I need to know the story. Dumbledore: Oh yes, well the story's about...Midget-Dwarf-Flitwick? Draco: It’s about that thing over in the corner? Flitwick: Ugh... The story-the story's about it's- it's about um... Harry: It's about love! Draco: Love? Harry: It's about love, overcoming all obstacles. Voldemort from outside: NO! NOT LOVE! (falls and dies again) Flitwick: And it's set in Durmstrang! All except Draco: DURMSTRANG?! Draco: Durmstrang? Dumbledore: It's not in Durmstrang! Harry: India! India! It's set in India! And there's a courtesan, the most beautiful courtesan in all the world, but her kingdom's invaded by and evil Maharaja. Now, in order to save her kingdom, she has to seduce the evil Maharaja. But on the night of the seduction, she mistakes a penniless po- a penniless a penniless sitar player for the evil Maharaja and she falls in love with him. (he turns to Ginny) He wasn't trying to trick her or anything. But he was dressed as a Maharaja because...he's appearing in a play. Viktor: I vill play the tango dancing sitar player. I sing like an Angel and I DANCE... like the Dark Lord... Pomfrey: That’s not so good. Hermione: I know. Voldy’s dancing was terrible Voldemort (climbing up): EXCUSE ME?! I AM A BRILLIANT DANCER! (loses balance: Uh Oh. (falls and dies again) Viktor: How about: I DANCE… like the Devil Draco: And--and--and what happens next? Harry: Well, penniless sitar player and the courtesan they have to hide their love from the evil Maharaja. Hermione: The penniless sitar player's sitar is magical. It can only speak the truth. Flitwick: And-and I will play the magical sitar. (makes sitar noices)(to Ginny) you are beautiful. (makes sitar noises)(to Dumbledore) you are ugly, and (to Malfoy) you are... All except Draco: SILENCIO Dumbledore: How dare that midget buffoon call me ugly! It’s not fair! (goes to a corner and starts sucking his thumb) Draco: And he gives the game away. Dumbledore: Tell him about the can-can! Harry: The tantric can-can... it's an... Dumbledore: It's an erotic spectacular scene that captures the thrusting, violent, vibrant, wild bohemian spirit that this whole production embodies Mr Malfoy. (quietly) I’m being bullied by a dwarf. It’s not fair! (goes back to the corner and starts sucking his thumb) Draco: What do you mean by that, my dear? Dumbledore: He called me ugly! Oops! Sorry about that… The show will be a magnificent, opulent, tremendous, stupendous, gargantuan, bedazzlement, a sensual ravagement, it will be SONG - SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR Dumbledore: Spectacular, spectacular. No words in the vernacular can describe his great event You'll be dumb with wonderment returns are fixed at ten percent You must agree, that's excellent, and on top of your fee... All: You'll be involved artistically. So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! Harry: Erumpents! Flitwic: Bohemian! Dumbledore: Indians! Ginny: And courtesans! Hermione: Acrobats! Viktor: And Thestral mares! Pomfrey: Exotic girls! Pause. Everyone looks at Pomfrey All: Hungarian Horntails! Muscle Men! Contortionists! Intrigue, danger, and romance! Electric lights, machinery, powered with electricity! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! Spectacular, spectacular! No words in the vernacular, can describe this great event, you'll be dumb with wonderment. The hills are alive, with the sound of music... So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! Draco: (spoken) Yes, but what happens in the end? Harry: Ahem! The courtesan and sitar man, are pulled apart by an evil plan... Ginny: But in the end she hears his song... Harry: And their love is just too strong. Draco: (horribly off-key) It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside... (horrified silence at the duke's singing) All: So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! Harry: Sitar player's secret song helps them flee the evil one... Though the tyrant rants and rails, it is all to no avail! Dumbledore:> (spoken) I am the evil maharajah! You will not escape! Ginny: (spoken) Oh Albus no one could play him like you could! (so quiet no one can hear) Except maybe Aberforth Dumbledore: (spoken) No one's going to! All: So exciting, we'll make them laugh we'll make them cry! So delighting --! Draco: (spoken)And in the end should someone die? (stunned silence from everyone) All: So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting it will run for 50 years...! END OF SONG Draco: Generally, I like it...! (cheers)